You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
