Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
