My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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