first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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