I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Randomize
