I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
