My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
The air taste purple.
Randomize
