i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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