I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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