I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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