I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
