made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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