i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
