she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
