Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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