The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
