guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
