Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
ok first of all what the fuck
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
