you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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