new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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