Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
