Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
