...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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