She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
