what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
