I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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