i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
