Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
