I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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