I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize