What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
