I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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