Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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