um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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