I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
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