I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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