I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
