Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
