am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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