I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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