I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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