I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Randomize
