I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
