Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
