listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
