god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
being pregnant is like rehab
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
