Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I think my moral compass just broke
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