3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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