Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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