I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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