'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
