he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
