Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
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