Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
