when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
