god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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