Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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