I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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