He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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