you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Randomize
